Dad's First Day

As I looked at him all day it sort of felt like a dream. When Barret was in the nursery it was so easy to forget he was here. It was almost scary to think about that I was now a dad. It was only this time last year that I was telling little kids that I saw eating with their mom or dad at work to enjoy the time they had because it goes by faster than you think. That is a terrible reality to face in moments such as this. It is nights like this that makes me think of how stupid and selfish I really am. See, in my mind I have these perfect plans of how my life is going to work (very rarely is that ever the case that it actually does). In those plans I didn't see a child for at least two more years. That would give us time to both get good jobs, save up some money so that we could be comfortable. It seems like that would be more than the responsible road to travel. In God's perfect plan however, I have one now. As I reflect on his first full day of life, I cannot believe what I experienced. My son went number two on me and also tried to feed on me. There were terrifying shrieks that had us scrambling to comfort him and coo's that made us laugh. I cuddled with him on the bed (and by bed I mean the chair that folds out then slides down into a less than twin bed, lol) and we napped. At four fifteen in the morning I changed his diaper after Laura spent almost two hours feeding him. He didn't like not being held. I sat in a chair with him until a little past four thirty. In that time he passed out and I was able to lay him down and take him to the nursery for the rest of the night. Then this morning they came in to get me as they were about to do the circumcision and I wanted to be there with him for that. He cried, but wouldn't you! As soon as it was over the nurse put the Vaseline and diaper on. He was still pretty upset, obviously. Then the nurse wrapped him all up and let me hold him for a few minutes. At this point all that fear and doubt, it all disappeared. No longer could I ever imagine my life without this guy. As soon as I took him in my arms and gently padded his back his crying slowed considerably. Then he picked up his head off of my chest (even dr. d said that he was a really strong kid, it must run in the family) and looked at me. I know that he can't really focus in on me or anything like that but he knew, and I knew, that no matter what hell he experienced in his life I would be there to hold him until the hurting stopped. As he looked at me he completely stopped crying and it was all I could do to not just leave the nursery with him immediately, or to break down bawling in the middle of the hospital. I couldn't imagine loving someone any more, sorry Laura, your different, lol. All in all it was the single greatest day of my life. This leads me to reflect on how responsible or good my plans really are. God's plans are way more awesome than my own, far more responsible, and leads me to ask myself why do I live daily trying to fulfill my own plans and chose to ignore the ones that He has for me when the ends of His plans are uncontrollable joy and the ends of mine generally find me frustrated and in pain. Thank You Lord for your sovereignty and Your mercy. Thank You for my son. More importantly, thank You for Yours.