My Nocturnal Friend

Man was the first night home a rough one. Lots of crying and screams and that was only me. Barret had a difficult night the first two nights that we came home from the hospital. You don't realize really how absolutely emotionally difficult it is to have a baby until he is up all night crying. It kills you in every way. At first, all you want to do is get him quite. Once he is quite he will go to sleep. False, that would be too easy. Then it is just trying to figure out why this little guy is crying so hopefully you can get him quite and stop him from losing it the next night. When that still doesn't work, enter self doubt. All I could do is question whether or not I am doing the right thing or if I will ever do the right thing. If I cannot get a newborn to stop crying, how in the world am I going to be able to take care of him once his most pressing needs are eating, pooping and sleeping. Then that self doubt turns to frustration and anger. WHY WILL YOU NOT STOP CRYING. I rationalize in my head all the reasons that he could be crying and count them out. You have all the food that you could ever want so you can't be crying because you are hungry. You have long sleeved and footed jammies and are covered by not one but two blankets, plus I am holding you so you cannot be cold. Well maybe it is that you have a dirty diaper, even though it has been clean the last 30 times that I have checked it in the last hour, so check, your all fine there. This simply makes no sense. Then as I was talking to my sister today she said something that made 100% sense to me (this is a rare thing and cause for celebration; just kidding). While in my mind everything that he could possibly want or desire I have tried to give him and to me his life seems about as simple and perfect as it can be. Mom and Dad dote on him all the time, not to mention Grandma has been here since Saturday, so enough said in the attention department. But with all of those needs met, and all of the security and love that he is receiving, he is probably just scared. To that I say, welcome to the world. But it is true. He went from a world of mere perfection to a world of pain, doubt and fear. For someone like me, who is still trying to rationalize, it is hard to imagine not being able to think those things away. He is terrified, he is in a world that will bring him pain and fear. This is where it dawns on me however, He is getting exactly what he needs.

While Saturday and Sunday were unpleasant, to put it in a nice way, it has gotten better since then. We have found our spot. About 4:30 to 5 am, we mosey on downstairs to our final resting place for the evening. After the crying contests and the patience testing, it seems as though I have come out victorious. Some may laugh that I am happy that my will is stronger than one who is only 4 days old, but those with children totally understand where I am coming from. Last night, for the third night in a row, I fell asleep in the couch with my buddy on my chest, slightly snoring, but peacefully resting. Last night was different though. As I was praying that God will call him to Himself early in his life and that his life would only feel complete when he was following the will of his Heavenly Father it began to sink in. My self doubt as a parent is because I am not perfect. My anger and frustration towards my son is simply because I am a sinner and I am a depraved individual. I am offended that what I am giving him is not good enough, when it is all that I have. While this could easily turn into a sermon about the parallels between my son and I and me and God, that isn't quite where I am going. While I was praying for him though God did speak to me. He told me that it is going to get easier; that soon my son will begin talking and telling me exactly what he wants and I will be better able to provide him with the things that he wants and needs to survive. That time will come. While am fighting a struggling to do that now with far less accuracy, what I am giving him now are the tools to be a man of God as he grows.

My son is crying because he is afraid. He is crying because of the doubt he has for tomorrow. He stops crying because he is comforted. This comfort comes from the reassurance that now in this difficult stage when he cannot tell me what he needs or what he wants, that I am there and no matter how frustrated I get I am not going to leave. He gets to see that when I don't know what else to do that I am praying over and for him because God knows exactly what is going on. He knows that when push comes to shove mom and dad are always going to be there for him, and no matter how frustrated or angry we are, love is not something that he can earn and therefore lose. He has less fear every time I sit up with him all night, every time I change his dirty diaper (three times in 15 minutes last night) and every time I kiss him. As he gets older each day he gets to see that there is no way that dad knows what he is doing. If it weren't for my utter dependence on the fact that God loves me because He loves me and that there is nothing I can do to get more of it or lose it. So while you are up all hours of the night my friend, worrying about what you are going to do for tomorrow, I am worrying about how we are going to give you what you need for tomorrow. Just know that as much as I love you and as much as I want the best things for you God is so much better at giving you what you need. He is always going to be there even when I fall. I love that I get to spend that much time with you, because as I realize that you are already a week old, 20 years isn't that far away. And soon I will be up at 5 am all by myself missing my nocturnal friend.