A Smile Brings Tears

Wednesday brought many tears for mommy. Grandma was leaving and I was so scared for her to leave us. I knew that Steve and I could take care of Barret just fine, but there was always comfort in knowing that Grandma was there to help out if we needed her to. As she was leaving she reminded us that we had been doing everything; changing his diapers, feeding him, comforting him, playing with him, she was simply there for support. When she said this, I realized that maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
After Grandma left Steve, Barret, and I sat on the couch making faces and simply marveling in how cute Barret was and how much we loved him. I had finally put the tears away from Grandma leaving and Barret let out the biggest smile (and it wasn't a gas smile). I lost it.
It is so funny how something so simple and so precious can make you so happy. I was so excited to see him smile and to see how happy our precious little Barret was.
Now, I sit around waiting for him to smile again and again. His smile is beautiful and perfect and I couldn't love anything more.

Mommy's Little Man

It's funny how something so small can make you so happy. When we brought Barret home from the hospital I was in every way terrified. I had know clue what was going to happen, how we were going to take care of him, or even if I knew how to make him stop crying. Lucky for us Grandma stayed with us for five days! It was so fun getting to share the experience of our new bundle of joy with my mom. I was able to ask her for advice, see how she interacted with Barret, and simply have another person to lean on. Steve and I were so greatful to have her here and I know Barret loved getting to spend time with Grandma as well.
Through our first week as a family Barret and I have gone through our struggles but are continuing to surprise each other in many ways. At our first doctors appointment we found out that Barret lost a whole pound! Yikes! I thought he was eating really well, turns out he wasn't. After a little work, and help from the doctors we are now back on track and went in for a weight check yesterday and we are already almost back up to our birth weight! Yeah Barret!!!

Some of Steve and my favorite things to do is watch Barret make faces. He is very animated and is continuosly surprising us with new faces and squirms. There is a lot of laughter when we watch him make these faces even though most of them look grumpy. We call him Mr. Grumpis.

The Glory of Number1 and 2

There are many things in this world that are completely unacceptable. Then there are things that are vastly unacceptable, except for in certain and extreme situations. Being a dad makes certain things just fade away, like the proactive manuvers that come instictualy to avoid being pooped or peed on. It is crazy how quickly things like that no longer matter when it is caring for your children. The other day as I was changing B I noticed that he was about to finish what he had started and with out thinking I placed my hand in a defensive position that would protect his face at the expense of my hand. It is a really wierd feeling to know that things like that no longer faze you. The worst is when it becomes funny. As I was showering Laura handed me B and no sooner did the water hit his skin that his pee hit the wall. The only thing I could think is that where there is one there is probably another. The other came and all I could do was laugh. Cleaning up that stuff and staying awake with the screaming took a new meaning when I was talking to my dad. He explained how it was after these life changing sacrifices we (the children) have the audacity to tell them they dont know anything about our lives. Its almost comical, but hey, that is just another step on this increasingly rewarding and interesting journey.

My Nocturnal Friend

Man was the first night home a rough one. Lots of crying and screams and that was only me. Barret had a difficult night the first two nights that we came home from the hospital. You don't realize really how absolutely emotionally difficult it is to have a baby until he is up all night crying. It kills you in every way. At first, all you want to do is get him quite. Once he is quite he will go to sleep. False, that would be too easy. Then it is just trying to figure out why this little guy is crying so hopefully you can get him quite and stop him from losing it the next night. When that still doesn't work, enter self doubt. All I could do is question whether or not I am doing the right thing or if I will ever do the right thing. If I cannot get a newborn to stop crying, how in the world am I going to be able to take care of him once his most pressing needs are eating, pooping and sleeping. Then that self doubt turns to frustration and anger. WHY WILL YOU NOT STOP CRYING. I rationalize in my head all the reasons that he could be crying and count them out. You have all the food that you could ever want so you can't be crying because you are hungry. You have long sleeved and footed jammies and are covered by not one but two blankets, plus I am holding you so you cannot be cold. Well maybe it is that you have a dirty diaper, even though it has been clean the last 30 times that I have checked it in the last hour, so check, your all fine there. This simply makes no sense. Then as I was talking to my sister today she said something that made 100% sense to me (this is a rare thing and cause for celebration; just kidding). While in my mind everything that he could possibly want or desire I have tried to give him and to me his life seems about as simple and perfect as it can be. Mom and Dad dote on him all the time, not to mention Grandma has been here since Saturday, so enough said in the attention department. But with all of those needs met, and all of the security and love that he is receiving, he is probably just scared. To that I say, welcome to the world. But it is true. He went from a world of mere perfection to a world of pain, doubt and fear. For someone like me, who is still trying to rationalize, it is hard to imagine not being able to think those things away. He is terrified, he is in a world that will bring him pain and fear. This is where it dawns on me however, He is getting exactly what he needs.

While Saturday and Sunday were unpleasant, to put it in a nice way, it has gotten better since then. We have found our spot. About 4:30 to 5 am, we mosey on downstairs to our final resting place for the evening. After the crying contests and the patience testing, it seems as though I have come out victorious. Some may laugh that I am happy that my will is stronger than one who is only 4 days old, but those with children totally understand where I am coming from. Last night, for the third night in a row, I fell asleep in the couch with my buddy on my chest, slightly snoring, but peacefully resting. Last night was different though. As I was praying that God will call him to Himself early in his life and that his life would only feel complete when he was following the will of his Heavenly Father it began to sink in. My self doubt as a parent is because I am not perfect. My anger and frustration towards my son is simply because I am a sinner and I am a depraved individual. I am offended that what I am giving him is not good enough, when it is all that I have. While this could easily turn into a sermon about the parallels between my son and I and me and God, that isn't quite where I am going. While I was praying for him though God did speak to me. He told me that it is going to get easier; that soon my son will begin talking and telling me exactly what he wants and I will be better able to provide him with the things that he wants and needs to survive. That time will come. While am fighting a struggling to do that now with far less accuracy, what I am giving him now are the tools to be a man of God as he grows.

My son is crying because he is afraid. He is crying because of the doubt he has for tomorrow. He stops crying because he is comforted. This comfort comes from the reassurance that now in this difficult stage when he cannot tell me what he needs or what he wants, that I am there and no matter how frustrated I get I am not going to leave. He gets to see that when I don't know what else to do that I am praying over and for him because God knows exactly what is going on. He knows that when push comes to shove mom and dad are always going to be there for him, and no matter how frustrated or angry we are, love is not something that he can earn and therefore lose. He has less fear every time I sit up with him all night, every time I change his dirty diaper (three times in 15 minutes last night) and every time I kiss him. As he gets older each day he gets to see that there is no way that dad knows what he is doing. If it weren't for my utter dependence on the fact that God loves me because He loves me and that there is nothing I can do to get more of it or lose it. So while you are up all hours of the night my friend, worrying about what you are going to do for tomorrow, I am worrying about how we are going to give you what you need for tomorrow. Just know that as much as I love you and as much as I want the best things for you God is so much better at giving you what you need. He is always going to be there even when I fall. I love that I get to spend that much time with you, because as I realize that you are already a week old, 20 years isn't that far away. And soon I will be up at 5 am all by myself missing my nocturnal friend.

Dad's First Day

As I looked at him all day it sort of felt like a dream. When Barret was in the nursery it was so easy to forget he was here. It was almost scary to think about that I was now a dad. It was only this time last year that I was telling little kids that I saw eating with their mom or dad at work to enjoy the time they had because it goes by faster than you think. That is a terrible reality to face in moments such as this. It is nights like this that makes me think of how stupid and selfish I really am. See, in my mind I have these perfect plans of how my life is going to work (very rarely is that ever the case that it actually does). In those plans I didn't see a child for at least two more years. That would give us time to both get good jobs, save up some money so that we could be comfortable. It seems like that would be more than the responsible road to travel. In God's perfect plan however, I have one now. As I reflect on his first full day of life, I cannot believe what I experienced. My son went number two on me and also tried to feed on me. There were terrifying shrieks that had us scrambling to comfort him and coo's that made us laugh. I cuddled with him on the bed (and by bed I mean the chair that folds out then slides down into a less than twin bed, lol) and we napped. At four fifteen in the morning I changed his diaper after Laura spent almost two hours feeding him. He didn't like not being held. I sat in a chair with him until a little past four thirty. In that time he passed out and I was able to lay him down and take him to the nursery for the rest of the night. Then this morning they came in to get me as they were about to do the circumcision and I wanted to be there with him for that. He cried, but wouldn't you! As soon as it was over the nurse put the Vaseline and diaper on. He was still pretty upset, obviously. Then the nurse wrapped him all up and let me hold him for a few minutes. At this point all that fear and doubt, it all disappeared. No longer could I ever imagine my life without this guy. As soon as I took him in my arms and gently padded his back his crying slowed considerably. Then he picked up his head off of my chest (even dr. d said that he was a really strong kid, it must run in the family) and looked at me. I know that he can't really focus in on me or anything like that but he knew, and I knew, that no matter what hell he experienced in his life I would be there to hold him until the hurting stopped. As he looked at me he completely stopped crying and it was all I could do to not just leave the nursery with him immediately, or to break down bawling in the middle of the hospital. I couldn't imagine loving someone any more, sorry Laura, your different, lol. All in all it was the single greatest day of my life. This leads me to reflect on how responsible or good my plans really are. God's plans are way more awesome than my own, far more responsible, and leads me to ask myself why do I live daily trying to fulfill my own plans and chose to ignore the ones that He has for me when the ends of His plans are uncontrollable joy and the ends of mine generally find me frustrated and in pain. Thank You Lord for your sovereignty and Your mercy. Thank You for my son. More importantly, thank You for Yours.